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My Past Life Therapist Says I Was An Asshole In A Previous Life

My Past Life Therapist Says I Was An Asshole In A Previous Life

When did they stop burning these witches at the stake?

A month ago, most everyone I knew made a plan to watch their favourite Dahl book – The BFG –  come to life on the big screen. I, however, was asked to accompany the 101 BFG (Big Effin' Giant) to the Mystic Healing Festival in Bandra.

I consider myself a fairly open-minded person. I'm pro-LGBT (Q even) after all. But there are still some things I won't let myself buy into. Like Reliance Jio.

And Mystic Healing Festivals.

My BFG, on the other hand, is into everything (anything). I was supposed to be the contrast, the scowl, to her big, effin' grin.

I was.

It's funny how a Catholic High School played host to this Mystic Healing Festival. No one would have predicted this. Because predictions are a god-damn(ing?) sin.

"No divination. No sorcery. No spells and witchcraft. No non-penovaginal sex. No consulting the dead. No spirit whisperers. No. - Bible."

The organisers might not have cared much for Catholicism, but they did stay true to the credo of the High School Open House – every stall was a teacher's desk, complete with an over-smiling soothsayer-teacher, and report-tarot cards. I was back in High School. It's probably why I didn't share the same excitement my BFG had when we entered.

Ambience: D-Ambience

“ANGEL READING!” “PAST LIFE REGRESSION!” “REIKI!” “WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO FIRST?”

Angel Reading:
Guardian Angels and Spirit Guides help us throughout our lives. Angel Tarot Readings help us connect with these do-gooders. I connected with mine:

“Do you have any questions,” I was asked. I should have come prepared. I decided I'd dedicate the evening to 'What should I do with my life?'

“What should I do with my life, Madam?”
“Oh, is that your issue? Confusion?”
“Issue? No no... In fact, I'm totally okay not knowing... floating...”
“You aren't floating...”
“I'm not?”
“You're finding...”

Okay...

“How about we ask the Angels what they see in your future – an Angel Wisdom Card reading?”
“Okay?”
“Pick a card, any card.”
I picked a card that read 'Success'.
“There you have it. Whatever you're doing, whatever your confusion, you're on the right track – the path to success. Don't listen to anyone, just do your thing. One hundred rupees, please.”

She then asked me to fold my Rs.100 note once, because a folded note implies you've doubled your money. “I'll fold it twice then!” “NO! That will block my money.”

The more you know.

I asked them to blur my faceI asked them to blur my face

Inevitable success though! That's great. I felt like I had finally turned a corner. But in that corner I found my BFG weeping. While I was balling with my angel reader, she was bawling with a Reiki master who helped heal her flickering right eyelid. I'm not sure what was more embarrassing, her wailing (everyone thought we were 'together'), or how she thought a flickering right eyelid needed mystic healing.

Like a stone, unmoved by the waterworks, I moved on to my next reading.

Past Life Tarot:
I've lived a life of embarrassment. Crippling, mind-numbing, stay-up-all-night-crying embarrassment. I have more I would like to forget than remember. But I remember everything. You only live once. Thank God for that. One humiliating life is more than enough.

Trust me to have had a previous incarnation.

“You done fucked up in your past life,” the Past Life Therapist tells me in exactly these words, “everybody hated you.” I tell her how loved I am in this life. “No, no, you're not...” BFG chimes in. Fucking cry-baby.

“Haan, usme kuch toh keeda hai,” was the professional opinion, “you have been reborn to make amends for what you did in your last life. Five hundred rupees, please?”

Five hundred rupee note, folded twice. #Keeda #FMPL

Two readings or, in Mangalorean, Rs.600 later, BFG and I had had enough. We decided we'd end our Mystic Healing with...

Automatic Writing:
Automatic Writing is a form of divination where the spirits write out their thoughts, advice, predictions through a human medium. The human medium here seemed popular, the most popular even, at the Festival. BFG notched that up to 'there's something magnetic about her.' I notch it up to her being cute. Very cute.

Considering how not a lot (nothing) has ever been written about me, I was excited. These are the highlights:

1. Stay Loyal
“Are you married,” cuteness asks me.
“No, and I'm very, very single, but not dying, so what's this about?”
“Oh.”
“Oh?”
“Well, maybe it's about you being disloyal in the future or maybe you won't be loyal to one of your ideas, your principles, or maybe you'll stab your mother in the back...”

2. Mother Pain
“Your mother is in pain,” I'm told like my mother doesn't deserve it.
“Is Dominic the reason for her pain,” BFG, with her still-flickering right eyelid, interferes.
“No. But he is the only one who can help her.”
“Oh?”
“Oh...
Try talking to her, maybe...”
As if.

Automatic writingAutomatic writing

3. Love Lost. 2 Years. Single.
“OMG, cuteness! I do love LOST.”
“No, you have lost the love of your life,” she bursts my bubble, “and you will get over her in 2 years.”
“Um. No? It's been a while.”
“Oh.”
“Oh?”
“Then in that case, you'll find someone in 2 years.” Convenient.
“Cuteness, what's the 'Single' all about?”
“You're single, right,” she confidently stated something I just told her.
I took it as flirting.

4. Stay away. Negative thoughts.
“Your negative thoughts prophecise your future. Stay away from them, they'll manifest.”
It explains Mother Pain.

5. Should be away from energy suckers.
My creative director is in Spain fantastic.

How did BFG's Automatic Writing experience go:
- Whatever you touch, will turn beautiful:
What! Why couldn't I get this? I touch myself a lot.

- You are a god at what you do:
At staying loyal? Because I suck, or will suck at it.

- Go back to the source:
Said Morpheus. And he broke the bread, gave it to his disciples and said...

- You can be an automatic writer too:
Poaching? Bitch. We have a writer shortage here at 101.

BFG, of course, had questions for the spirit world herself: “Will I ever be normal,” she asked; I laughed. “Never,” cuteness etched out; BFG gloated.

SEVEN HUNDRED RUPEES EACH, PLEASE.

BFG's bursting bladder called it a day for us at the Mystic Healing Festival. While she went back to the source, I went home, to talk to my mother. I needed some money.

I then decided I'd get my Automatic Writing analysed by a handwriting expert. Great idea, right? Have an expert debunk the occult science!

He flat out refused. “I won't do it. This is bullshit,” he said.

Because it was.

 

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are independent views solely of the author(s) expressed in their private capacity and do not in any way represent or reflect the views of 101India.com.

By Dominic S