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A BDSM Play-Shop Opens Up The World Of Dominatrix And Submission To Me

A BDSM Play-Shop Opens Up The World Of Dominatrix And Submission To Me

I decided to up my game for Valentines Day and bring the zing back into our love life.

If you walk up to me and slap my ass, you’re gonna get slapped back. But if you slap my ass in bed while we’re getting it on, I’ll say, “Harder”.
Consent. That’s the difference between harassment and BDSM.  
No, don’t take this lightly. In our country the two are often conveniently exchanged. In a place where marital rape isn’t a crime, getting rough during sex can be very tricky. Which is why the first lesson in BDSM - CONSENT, wasn’t given by a sexologist but a lawyer. And if you’re at a BDSM workshop (or play-shop as they like to call it) where several strangers learn and try out whipping, flogging, wax burning and needles, consent is a lesson you should learn fast.
It was a Saturday afternoon and I was in an apartment in Bandra where a group of like-minded individuals were gathered to understand and learn how to safely and ethically use BDSM in their sex lives. 
I got to know about the said play-shop through a colleague. We were discussing fetishes and role-play as part of an ideation process of a dating show. And sharing all the things we have personally tried- tying each other up (me), whips (a colleague), swings (no one - but everyone’s one time fantasy), and blindfolds (everyone).

The pleasure of pain. Image source: doktorstutz.chThe pleasure of pain. Image source: doktorstutz.ch

Suddenly this guy Naman tells me that there’s a collective in our country that teaches and demonstrates safe BDSM. He was going, I could come along too, if I wanted. 
I wanted. 

Before you label me a sex freak, hear me out. If you meet me in person, I’m an introvert. It takes me several meetings to open up. I don’t like communicating with people one on one, I’m socially awkward (which is probably why I’m a writer). But I release all my energies in bed. I think a lot of introverts are very intense in sex. In their own private space, with that one partner they trust, all inhibitions are shed. A good spanking in the moment is a much better release than a massage. Provided you have my consent. 

So I was sent a text - a date, time and address and asked to wear ‘comfortable clothing’. Suddenly I wasn’t so sure. 

Now I’m fairly open about sex and sexuality. I don’t hide the fact that I’m bisexual. Or that I have experimented with multiple partners. Together. I’ve watched stuff being done to others and have been watched too. But all of it behind closed doors.

This was the first time I was going to an open forum where sexual kinks were not only up for discussion,  but demonstrated too. And we had all been warned that there were going to be no spectators - everyone had to participate. 

Fuck.

Prisoner of love? Image source: sacbee.comPrisoner of love? Image source: sacbee.com

And there was another reason. 

I once had, let’s call it an ‘accident’. My partner and I were trying out something that included candles. And ice. We were watching some vintage porn, some regular American girl on girl action, when one of the chicks picked out a burning candle. We both watched in awe as she poured hot, melting wax down the other… It was hot!

We decided to try it out. We took out some candles, and since I’m the one in the relationship who’s submissive, I told my partner- “Bring it on!” And boy, did she…
The incident scarred me, and not just emotionally. I still bear an Australia-shaped burn mark on my back, which is a cause for much curiosity every time I wear scooped-back blouses at weddings. I tell them it’s a cooking burn. Not that I can cook. But I’m told folks sleep a lot better when they think their 29-year-old unmarried girl is trying her hand at cooking, rather than indulging in BDSM with another 29-year-old unmarried girl. 

S & M as a concept really intrigued me. Bondage and discipline - not so much. I wasn’t that trusting yet. I really wanted to learn the tricks to safe S & M without ending up with second-degree burns. When I told my partner she got a little worried. “You really don’t have to do this. We can try other things,” she kept telling me. She’s always felt a little guilty since the incident, because she thinks the burn was her fault. Even the sex has lost its spark a bit since, because we’re too safe, no one’s pushing it. “I’m the one who is always doing things… It’s a lot of pressure…” She was right - I was always the receiver. Which was why I really needed to go to this play-shop. I wanted to show her some tricks of my own!

The address said Bandra. Which for me was another cause for distress. I never know how to dress for Bandra. If I dress down, I feel strange amongst people wearing brands, if I dress up I look like I’m trying too hard. Even Bandra’s dressed-down street look would cost me a month’s salary. Because that street is in Paris and I earn in Andheri. To add to the stress of how to dress, was the clothing clause. How does one dress for BDSM? Thigh high leather boots and a whip qualified as comfortable? 

My auto arrived in front of the building mentioned. Asking the security guard for the apartment number felt shady AF. What am I going to write in the ‘purpose’ column in the register? Here for some spanking?

I rang the bell. The door opened a fraction. I used my code-word. “Hi, I’m a friend of Naman’s” The guy on the other side nodded. Access granted. 

The apartment was simple, like any single person living in Mumbai would have. Colorful couch, cane book shelves, ‘Keep Calm’ posters. It was sort of an anti-climax- I don’t know what I was expecting. A sex dungeon, maybe? There were 7-8 people present already. All very regular looking. Like I could’ve been friends with them. In fact some actually turned out to be from my city. I took a breath. This wasn’t as intimidating as I’d thought.

The love/pain kit. Image source: Wikimedia.orgThe love/pain kit. Image source: Wikimedia.org

It started with a discussion on consent. The person who was speaking was a professional lawyer with a table behind him covered with a sheet. Before trying out anything with anyone, at the play-shop or outside, required one to get consent from the other person. BDSM in our country’s laws is tricky. Where a married woman cannot go to court accusing her husband of violence, non-consensual BDSM is technically legal. Forcing a new bride for sex is considered ‘normal’ socially. Which is why it was essential that one practices BDSM ethically and safely. Because taking your partner to the Emergency Room afterwards can be a real killjoy. Trust me. 

And then he unveiled the table. A collective “oooh” went around the room. There were all kinds of kinky things imaginable. Some stuff I had never seen before. Floggers of all shapes and sizes, as thick as a horsetail, as thin and sharp as the one you use on horses, ropes, swings (yes), vibrators, dildos, needles, hooks and candles. A pack of disc-shaped Diwali candles. 

Fuck.

Just whip it! Image source: lelo.comJust whip it! Image source: lelo.com

Lesson 1 - Flogging and snogging. There are many shapes and sizes to choose from. Long ones. Thick ones. Thin ones. Ones with a ball of fur at the handle (multipurpose, my bai would be happy). What you’re looking for is the right sensation - thud or sting. 

We were called up to the front one by one to try it out. The expert was going to flog, and a volunteer was going to get flogged. 

First, you took their consent - “Hi, I’m XYZ. Do I have permission to flog you?” 

Second, ask if they have any injuries or sensitive areas you should know about. 

Third, decide on safe words. In a sexual situation words like “More” or “Stop” don’t work. We used “Orange” if you wanted to slow down. “Red” if you wanted to stop. 

Fourth, flog only on the safe areas. For example - butt is safe, calves are safe, lower back is unsafe, upper back is safe and never, ever let the flogging cross over your sides to the front body. It’s called ‘wrapping’ and is highly unsafe. 

The brave ones volunteered to take it first. Because flogging had a technique. The expert took a step back, measured the distance, held the fringes of the flogger in his left hand, bent his knees for a comfortable stance and WHIP! 

It came so fast we all sucked in our breath. My head snapped to look at the receiver - she was unmoved. Then came a series of- WHIP WHIP WHIP WHIP WHIP! 

Whoa! It was a lot to take in the first 5 minutes. I looked around, some people were looking a tad uncomfortable. He went at the receiver’s ass changing techniques. I call them 1. Ulta haath smack, 2. Infinity flog (where you turn your wrist into a horizontal 8 or infinity sign with the flogger) and 3. Free hand spank (flog as you wish, go with your instincts).

Slowly more people started volunteering. There was a lot of whipping. I wasn’t ready yet, so I decided to wait this one out.

A bound body frees the mind. Image source: pinimg.comA bound body frees the mind. Image source: pinimg.com

Lesson 2 - Learning the Ropes. Then came the ropes. This was something I could do. The correct way was to tie it in a way that your receiver did not feel discomfort but strong enough to not open mid- action. It was fun, like my Girl Scout days. The rabbit goes round the field then into the hole… 

There were handcuffs too, fur-trimmed ones that weren’t very sturdy, the leather ones were hardier but expensive, and the steel ones - they looked like they were straight from an American crime show. But the cold steel felt good on your wrists… So it was all about picking your intensity. 

I had a question. “My friend and I ordered a pair of fur-trimmed ones and a vibrator online from an international site. But then I got a call from the Customs department saying that they couldn’t let it through because such ‘goods’ were not allowed to be brought into our country. Why is this stuff illegal?” 

That’s because sex toys like vibrators and dildos are ‘restricted goods’ in our country since they can used for anal penetration and sodomy is a crime in our country” the lawyer explained. “Actually you’re lucky they didn’t track you and your friend down. You could have been arrested. Actually this whole play-shop can be considered illegal if someone went to the police saying they got physically hurt or violated here

Ouch! Section 377.

Giving someone else pleasure while having the controls in your hand is very empowering. Image source: voella.comGiving someone else pleasure while having the controls in your hand is very empowering.  Image source: voella.com

Lesson 3 - How to Dom your Sub. It’s a very delicate relationship between a Dominatrix and Submissive. It’s a verbal contract between two people where one can do anything to the other while the other promises to obey. It can be fun and exciting when done within rules. But a little insensitivity can spoil it for everyone. So if you’re the kind who is prone to pushing limits, or the kind who will shout out “Enough!” after 2 slaps, then maybe it’s not your thing. 

Lesson 4 - Playing with Fire. The candles were brought out. Deep breath. This was my battlefield. I volunteered as a receiver. I stepped to the center where a mattress was laid out and gave my consent. The instructor asked me to pull my top up. I obliged. 

Seeing the marks on her back I can tell that she is experienced in wax play. So maybe I can push a little more with her” he explained to everyone. 

"No!” I exclaimed into my pillow. “Start slow please.” He smiled. 

I held my breath. “Ow!” It was more out of anticipation than burn. It burned only a little. It was kind of pleasant really. “Do you want me to go on?” 

Yes.” 

After that it poured out faster, hotter and stingier. But it felt nice. Like when you get waxed in areas your skin is thicker on cold winter days. Nice and hot. 

The trick is to start pouring from a height and then slowly come down,” he explained. I think I was ready to give some now. He scraped the wax off my back with a butter knife (take notes) and I had a volunteer receiver. 

He lay on the mattress as I lit my candle. “Careful”, my instructor said. “Start high. You don’t want to burn him” I did not. But I was shaking a little. What if he went to the cops and complained. He already knows what I ordered online! 

It fell… slow drops of wax from a foot above his back. A groan escaped him. I panicked a little. But then I realized he wasn’t complaining, he was enjoying it. “Shall I go on?” He nodded. 
It was really empowering - giving someone else pleasure while having the controls in your hand. Being the Dom could be fun too!

Love at first strike. Image source: sirspanker.comLove at first strike. Image source: sirspanker.com

Lesson 5- Needles and Pricks. Needles and pins that pierced the surface level of skin. Yikes! Now it was time for me to go. This was more than I could handle. 
I said my goodbyes to everyone. Some of us even exchanged numbers. The lawyer even gave me the number of his sex toy supplier. Which was sweet because I really didn’t want to deal with Customs again.

My phone rang the moment I stepped out into the lean Bandra lane. “How did it go?” my partner asked. “Did you try stuff?” I smiled to myself. “Take out the candles and the rope from the clothesline”, I told her. “We’re gonna have some fun tonight!” 

 

 

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Images have been used for representational purposes only.

By Smriti Dewan
Cover photo credit: 500px.com