They needed people who had read enough porn to turn their brains blue.
The internet is pretty straightforward about sex: if a thing exists, someone, somewhere, will have made porn of it.
No. Seriously. They will.
But I won't ask you to take my word for it. You know what they say about believing things you hear about on the internet. But you can believe me, because I haven't just read about Rule 34, I've lived it. I've even - and god help me for being proud of this - contributed to the plethora of fetish porn out there. I didn't just stop at writing it, though. I was so conscientious about the quality of internet porn for weirdos, I went and signed up to make sure at least some of it would pass my exacting standards of quality. And if it didn't, I was damn well going to make sure it improved.
It started with an innocent little venture called AdultFanfiction.net.
Once upon a time, I was young, hormonal, and an avid reader and writer of fanfiction. (Still am, okay.) I’ve dabbled in anime fanfiction, manhwa fanfiction, and even supernatural fanfiction. I’ve written straight fics, gay fics, and absolutely insane fics. (Don’t doubt that - you’ll be getting links later.)
A little while ago I really hit my stride. During this period I wrote some of my most out-there erotica, and was published on every major fanfiction site, from A Single Spark, to Dokuga, to Fanfiction.net, to the aforementioned AdultFanfiction.net (AFF). So the offer to take over as a moderator for the newly set-up AFF review boards wasn’t that much of a surprise. They needed people who had read enough porn to turn their brains purple – no, they needed people with purple brains in a classy shade of purple. Of course I said yes. I was choosy about my erotica, and there had been too much crap floating about those gushing seas of sensations for my taste.
Our task was simple. Review board members would have to read and review a set number of stories each month. Moderators would have to read those stories – and the reviews – to ensure that reviews met the standards of constructive criticism that we had laid out. We were officially crusaders for well-written porn. The pillars of erotica dared not crumble, not with us enthusiastically conducting renovations.
What I didn’t expect, was that this would bring me in touch with realities of sex that I had never even imagined existed – and I’m still not sure if one of them should exist. Well, maybe if they use plastic. Or steel. Or anything, because glass made no – right. You’re going to need a reference first. Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce you to a story titled Sesshomaru’s Princess, authored by user Speedy Tomato.
And now that you know more than you ever wanted to about the importance of our digestive (and what follows) systems in sex and relationships, let’s tame it down a bit.
Who here has seen Jurassic Park?
Who here thinks the raptors are awesome and no matter how awful Jurassic World was, Chriss Pratt is the Raptor-Lord, yo!
So tell me how you feel about this.
Ah well. It’s Chris Pratt! He’s hot! The gods have decreed it so, what’s a mere dino-baby to do!
Do you want me to explain that one? I don’t think you want me to explain that one. Personally, I think Taken by the T-Rex sounds much more snappy. Although I will note that a reviewer called it “high erotic fantasy,” so maybe we should stick to raptors after all.
Or perhaps I just have a soft spot for dinos. After all, I wrote a Barney-centric caper myself, once. Barney of the purple dreams and the imagination, yes. The only piece of evidence you’ll ever get, because I’m nice and refuse to scar you THAT badly:
But that’s my sin and I suppose I’ll answer for it someday. And it will probably be in a place where no one has ever seen Jurassic Park and therefore are immune to the appeal of shiny dino claws and soft purple dino fur. (And now you know why AFF thought I was a prime candidate for quality-controlling the most extreme erotica their members could – and did - produce.)
But dino porn isn’t the weirdest thing I’ve seen lying around.
We all masturbate. Only on Amazon’s for-profit, self-published erotica section, though, will you find someone so desperate for some good self-lovin’ they’ll do it with their own disembodied, winged butt.
Now before you start scoffing, it has a rating of 4.7 out of 5! Which – even if they’re all being sarcastic (because let’s face it, it’s Amazon) – is pretty darned impressive. And going by a review by someone called Dogelas, this work has the power to turn homophobes into not-homophobes!
And so I bid you adieu. With all my apologies and I swear, if I ever meet any of you quivering sadly in a dark, shady bar somewhere, I’ll treat you to a glass of wine and say sorry as nicely as I can. Just kidding.
Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are independent views solely of the author(s) expressed in their private capacity and do not in any way represent or reflect the views of 101india.com
By Asha Naiq
Photographs by Karan