Women are worth it. Their love and beauty comes with it's own share of rules. Even if they’re so complex sometimes that you wish you could read minds so you somehow knew what they’re thinking. I’ve learned to embrace women like the waves of the ocean that keep changing pace and form: the sound of her feelings. Their emotions are fluid and change very rapidly. If they say something and mean something else, it’s not because they’re lying. For a man, anything that is not true is lying. For a woman the truth is a slim thought in comparison to her present feelings. That’s the design of feminine essence.
So when talking to a woman, remember the literal content is not as important as the sub communication of the conversation: her emotions. Remember that time when you did something nerve wracking or super exciting : you said a few words in front of a thousand people ; or met your favorite celebrity, you don’t remember what you said, but you remember how you felt. That pulsating feeling in your stomach that tells you you’re about to do something you don’t do often. Hint: It’s not always your words that you’ll need more of.
Let’s say you got that hot tinder date tonight. You hit the bar early to sort stuff out. She enters the joint and she’s looking pretty like lights and you’ve hustled some deals with the bartender to display massive value. Armani cologne on. Check. Looking slick and clean cut. Check. The Baboon unibrow in tow. Check. Just kidding.
She comes in: you go for the double cheek kiss. She smells like peaches and oranges. Then you start chatting and all of a sudden bam. There’s this awkward silence that hits both of you. The deafening silence feels like five years but it’s only been 10 seconds. You know that something must be said but you just don’t know what to say. It’s like your tongue is frozen in fear. You see that “just another phoney” look in her eyes and you start panicking that tonight might be another ermm….self-introspection night.
Every guy has been in a situation where he meets an absolutely amazing girl and all of a sudden, his confidence disappears and he is as clueless as Alice in Wonderland. It’s not that he doesn’t know the words, he just isn’t in a state of ease to express himself. He feels. She feels it. The waiter feels it. This happens to women too, more than one could imagine.
This syndrome, my friends, is what we call the 10 inch gag. You kind of feel it in your stomach – something is not right. While one would expect it to be like the movies where you say something and she laughs, then she tells you you’re funny and you give her that half wry - half seductive smile gently putting your hand on her knee. Sorry pal this isn’t a script, it’s the real deal. Then reality hits you in the face when your date pulls out her phone and starts snapchatting her girlfriend titling a picture of you with Silence of the lamb. Thus code signaling to her bestie that it’s the worst date she’s had in the history of courtship.
Let’s talk about mindsets for a second here. I know the following way of being might seem delusional to some and downright nuts to others but it’s the most effective and dynamic mindset I know of to become the most fun person in the room. Trust me I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum. Here it is: Imagine you’re the hot blonde and she’s the guy for one second. How would you communicate? You are the man with the holy grail of erotica below that YSL belt. She can also leave anytime she wants. You set the rhythm. I’m in no way saying you have to be some dominating wife beater asylum running power hungry sex starved validation seeking dude. (feminist disclaimer)
So it’s not that the guy runs out of things to say, it’s just that he doesn’t think that he can say what he would normally say and be perceived as a cool guy. Instead he thinks he has to always say the perfect gold studded line that only James Bond would say.
The opposite holds true actually. Say what you want to say it when you want to say it and don’t be afraid of saying even downright random stuff like “You look like you’re a dark chocolate person. Are you a Libra?” Now that line right there is just a FUN line with no logic behind it. It is retarded from so many angles, it must be obtuse. Does she care if it was too random? No. If I told you the sort of things I sometimes say just because I feel like saying it, you’d be surprised I even have friends.
What she says can be used to take the conversation in an even more fun direction. So make it fun for both.
She: You look like shit like you haven’t showered all day.
Me: That’s right. Showering is for common mortals. I’m bathed in the light of the morning sun, thou friend.
She: Hahahah. Wtf. Are you on crack?
Me: Yeah you want some? I also have meth.
She: Whattttt you know me so well! How did you know ?!
Do I really know her well? No. I just met her. Why did she say that I know her well then? Because that’s how I make her feel. Fun, familiar and not putting on an act of thinking of what to say and how to say it. Free flowing and o’ so comfy.
What if she told you: Listen boy, I like you and I’m going to go home with you in one hour. Let’s have a fun time for the next hour at this bar. Would you still run out of things to say? No you wouldn’t because you could just be fluid like you’re hanging with your best friend.
The Million Dollar Mouthpiece Tips:
1) Gauge what she’s feeling and calibrate accordingly. If she seems taken aback at you being too forward, back off and say : “Sorry didn’t mean to ambush you.” Acknowledge the situation so she gets that you’re not some weirdo
2) Keep your exes out of conversation unless you want to make this one an ex before you even date.
3) Don’t talk about what you do, which car you drive, how much money you make. Let that be the gravy and not why she gets attracted to you.
4) Don’t call her friends your sisters.
5) Make fun of her in a playful way. Tell her she’s such a dork and swat her with a napkin saying she deserved it.
6) Don’t talk of your family’s dowry dreams.
7) Say outlandish things to gauge how she’ll react. “You smell so nice. remind me of my granny”. She’ll probably hit your arm. At that point you can say “ No touching me until the end of the night you weirdo.”
8) Create make believe situations and conspiracies to create a connection like Us VS the world. Play the “how many drinks can you get people to buy you in twenty minutes?” game.
9) Don’t ever say things like “I need you” OR a more optimistic version like “Do you fancy guys like me?”
10) Don’t be afraid of engaging in some fun touch like hugging her, spinning her around, taking her hand and walking around the venue to get familiar.
11) Don’t spit at her when talking.
12) Know her name.
The Alpha male speaks his mind because he can without caring if people are viewing him negatively or not. At the same time, being really rude or a jerk will not be met with pleasant reactions. So tread smart. The truth is, no matter what you say or do, there will always be some who laugh and some who won’t. So basing your actions and mindsets on what might possibly please the person you’re talking to is not an effective route to take.
Keep it fluid.
Until next time.
By Roshmin Mehandru
Illustration by Rheena Keswani