Storytellers of a new generation
Our Increasingly Low Tolerance Levels Are Reflected In Our Failing Marriages

Our Increasingly Low Tolerance Levels Are Reflected In Our Failing Marriages

If married women hit on bald guys like me, there’s something seriously wrong.

I recently read this in a relationship column - “People aren't cheating on each other any more than they used to. They're only getting caught more often.” Over the past year I have noticed that as I get older, more married and committed ladies hit on me than single ones. And no, before you ask, my sex appeal hasn’t suddenly jumped a notch. I'm average looking and balding. 

A fair number of instances, including the ones mentioned below made me speculate if marriage is really fit for the millennial. I’m not cynical, in fact I believe in love and ever after. But, interacting with couples around me makes me wonder if anything is permanent in matters of the heart. Or have people become so intolerant of weaknesses or differences, that they would rather walk off in the sunset with someone else than make the effort to work things out with their partner. Let me put my two cents in, and share what I’ve learnt from some of the ladies I’ve met.

More fun with someone you love. Image source: diaforetiko.grMore fun with someone you love. Image source: diaforetiko.gr

Let's start with the one I met only a few months ago, through some mutual friends. She was intuitive, very well read, intelligent and unbelievably easy on the eyes. It wasn’t that we hit it off instantly, but an evident and healthy amount of attraction and sexual tension had been created in that first meeting. We ended up going out a few days later, and closed it with what dudes would refer to as a happy ending. But, it wasn’t until the next morning that she decided to tell me she was married. A mention of separation had been suggested the previous evening, which I automatically assumed as divorce (my bad as they say). Apparently ‘kind of separated’. But still very very married and living together. “I don’t know. We’re still trying to work things out, but I really needed this,” she told me. Now, to me, this was misleading on her part. Was this cheating? I would like to lean towards 'no'. I'm sure her husband thinks otherwise. 

Would I have gone ahead with it if I had known better? If she were clearer about her relationship status?
Absolutely not. No, really, I wouldn't. I've had opportunities like this before. For example: 

I met a few people recently. Two of them were newly married couples. I’m going to call the lady in this marriage ‘the sneak’ because, well, she sneaked around with lots of guys when the husband wasn't around. The sneak spent a majority of the evening by my side, and jumped at every chance to talk about her unhappy life and marriage. Sneakily, but steadily, out of earshot from hubby dearest. Man, do I hate playing agony aunt, but I’m polite. I felt it all right to exchange numbers since I knew there was no way a conversation like this could lead to anything. I was so wrong. One text conversation later, that quickly escalated to an invitation to her place accompanied with some fairly provocative pictures. Whatsapp, block! There is no way in hell I am ever getting dragged into a mess like this. I believe the ‘could’ve been’ cheating had nothing to do with me. She just wanted someone. Anyone who was not her husband. Anyone who would value her, even if it were just for the novelty of the situation. But who am I to judge? I just didn’t want to add to my already dwindling karma.

It’s a wedding band, not a convenience band. Image source: thetimes.co.ukIt’s a wedding band, not a convenience band. Image source: thetimes.co.uk

What I gathered from this was, what do women really want from men? It’s value – to be valued. At the very core, the essence of any kind of relationship is the creation of value. When your wife decided to be with you, her subconscious recognised you as a man who can create massive amounts of value in her life. Or at least, that you display the potential to do so. The moment you fall into comfort, or take a back seat in terms of improving, she is going to search for that value elsewhere. Simple. This holds true for all relationships – marriage included.

Think money, think of a business transaction, think of yourself as the asset and your lady friend the investor. The intelligent move would be for the investor to nurture an appreciating asset rather than one that’s proving itself to be negative. The investment being emotional. It’s a simple matter of understanding that a woman strives to create value with her partner and will not settle for any less than the best they can offer. By that measure, if she cheated on you, it’s your fault not hers. You were responsible for not providing the value she needed, and if you fell off of the track soon after marriage, believe me that cheating is coming your way. More sooner rather than later.

Boredom is not reason enough. Image source: haikudeck.comBoredom is not reason enough. Image source: haikudeck.com

Before you think I’m a pussy-whipped man of the millennium, let me add – it could be her fault as well. She could have just fallen off the same track. People slack off. It doesn't always mean they're cheating on you. Let's assume she is though: Please, please FFS, don’t stalk her for proof and act like an imbecile. Calm yourself, and straight up ask her with some confidence. The pressure of the situation should force her to give away if she’s lying or not. 
Now let's assume none of you have cheated on each other. And you want to keep it that way. Here’s how I think you can keep a relationship on track.  

Be the best option she will ever have. 
Being the best option is quite simple. In fact, it all boils down to three aspects of your life that you need to improve constantly. I mean, every single day.

If you’re not happy, just leave. Image source: blade.netIf you’re not happy, just leave. Image source: blade.net

Career. This one’s fairly simple. You don’t need to be a rich or famous. You don’t need to be a CEO. Hell, you could even be unemployed at the moment (like me). But, what you need to do is focus on improving yourself, every single day. By whatever little increment that improvement may be. All that a partner wants from you in terms of your career is to know that you are heading somewhere, and not stagnant. The rest is fine the way it is. Remember, a career is not gauged by money alone. Find your own idea of success. 

Social. Yes, it’s important. Be more social. Meeting new people, improving social skills, and just generally proving yourself to be a respectful person, are requirements. You don’t have to be the most charming and extroverted person in every room, but focus on engaging and learning from all kinds of people. All kinds. Stepping out of that comfort zone and not being yourself all the time are the only ways you can evolve as a human being. Plus, every self help book will tell you, people love charming, confident, and humorous partners.

Fitness. Yes, I said it. I’m not talking about hitting the gym everyday, but about staying relevant to your surroundings. As boring and clichéd as that may sound (I relate), it is absolutely crucial. Pick up new handyman skills, work out, train in martial arts, paint, do yoga, travel, do anything that contributes to the fitness of the body and the mind. Give yourself essential skills that make you a valuable asset to have around, and you will prove yourself to be a person who is free and independent. This is one aspect that I can assure you will trickle improvement down to every other aspect of life. If not for yourself, do it for others.

Now, this works for me (didn’t I just tell you how irresistible women find me), and hope it works for you. Especially the married peeps. Give your partner reasons not to cheat on you. And, if you get cheated on despite this, don't blame yourself. Or her. Or him. Just cut your losses and find someone better. 

Someone single.


 

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are independent views solely of the author(s) expressed in their private capacity and do not in any way represent or reflect the views of 101India.com.

By Aditya Varma