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Who Needs Porn When You Have The Kamasutra?

Who Needs Porn When You Have The Kamasutra?

What do you call a Chinese dude's love juice on a soup menu?
Cream of Sum-yung-guy. Was my editor’s idea. No lie.

Nobody saw this coming but porn is now banned in India. What surprised me the most was that Indians account for 40% of Pornhub’s 14.2 billion visits. 40 fricking percent!. Some dude I used to know went to live in Mizoram over a work project and ended up calling me within the first week: “Dude, you wont believe the kind of porn I'm watching in Mizoram. I’m never coming back”. I couldn’t stop laughing, thinking back to that phone call, when I read this statistic of Mizoram topping the Which-state-watches-the-most-pornhub list. Delhi came second. Of course it did.

Have these geniuses forgotten about the sex temples of Khajuraho? How does that get a guided tour and this, probably a jail sentence? Congratulations guys you probably just lost 40 million votes from bone rangers who won’t be using their best hand to vote.


The sex temples of Khajuraho; Picture Courtesy:breakawaybackpacker.com

Believe it or not, a close friend claims he got his first valuable lesson in Cunning Lingus from the Kamasutra; the holy grail of erotica, the world’s leader on sexual acrobatics and Olympian shagging. So, banning porn in India is like banning wine in France, to put it lightly. This historic ban will force many men to throw in the tissues and wonder what use their lightning fast Wi-Fi will be of now. What will these mean machines watch when it’s time to change their oil? Where will they go when it’s time to doodle their noodle?  Applaud these ruthless warriors indulging in hand to gland combat.

For example, an ex flatmate of mine, used to do his thing thang 7 times a day. He was so good at jackin’ the beanstalk that once he gave me a lecture on why I NEED PORN in my life, to which I said three words to him and they weren’t “You’re a star”. They were “Wake up virginator” and I said it smiling so it sinks into his sullen skull. Fortunately for him, he was quick to realise what he could be doing instead of browsing his mouse.

I think a positive by - product of the ban could bring about many changes for single men out there who would be better off building social skills instead of their right forearms.

I’ve never been big on porn and never will be. Let’s face it. I dont need it. 


The sex temples of Khajuraho; Picture Courtesy : breakawaybackpacker.com

Through experiences of my friends, a few years ago, I discovered how pornography can ruin sex drive and performance.I watched my friends brain release more endorphins than is natural in response to overload of sexual stimulation. Over a period of time, his brain got anesthetized and gradually a need for more stimuli emerged, so much so that he needed crazy shit to happen before he could reach the same plateau of arousal. He was going ape shit watching large quantities of hardcore porn. His social life ofcourse was almost nil and I started worrying about the state of his bed linen. I believe the same thing happened to Mathew Perry and he came out and admitted he’s addicted to porn. Thus his chorizo became his closest F.R.I.E.N.D. How does an A List celebrity get a porn addiction? Because he’s not getting laid enough?

My colleague says that blowing off some..ermm..steam is a great way for him to start a night so when he goes out and meets girls he’s super calm with libido in check, not overwhelmed by testosterone. Another friend says that porn doesn’t do much for his performance ratings, so he prefers not to watch any. Fair.



The sex temples of khajuraho; Picture Courtesy:breakawaybackpacker.com

So Is porn evil? Should you never watch any of it? Should you go on a porn-a-thon?  I'm not sure I have the answer for you.

But what I do know is that if you’re single and at home on a Friday night jacking off to porn, I hate to break it to you, but you need a life. 

 

By Roshmin Mehandru